Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"
Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sigh of relief.
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: Amit, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.
Amit: I is...
Teacher: No, no, no, don't say "I is", you say "I am".
Amit: OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Teacher: Students, you have forty minutes to write an essay on a soccer match.
Richard: (After two minutes) Here's my paper, sir.
Teacher: What did you manage to write so quickly?
Richard: Match called off due to rain.
Teacher: How do you spell "monkey"?
Teacher: You are wrong! The dictionary spells it M-O-N-K-E-Y.
Student: But, you asked me how "I" spell it, sir!
Teacher: When were the first and second World Wars fought?
Student: I don't know about the first, but the second World War was fought after the first.
Dad: Son, this time I expect 80 percent marks in your final examination.
Son: No Dad, I think I'll manage 100 percent.
Dad: Don't joke with me.
Son: Who started the joke?
Teacher: Harry, show me America on the map.
Harry: (Pointing on the map) It's here.
Teacher: Correct. Now William can you tell me who discovered America?
William: Harry, ma'am!
In the school, during a mathematics class...
Teacher: If I were to ask you to add 8,137 to 73 and then divide the result by two, what do you think you would get?
Student: The wrong answer, sir.
Teacher: Who succeeded the first Emperor of Rome?
Pupil: The second one!
Teacher: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Pupil: Speaking Latin!
Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
Question: What was the first thing Henry III did on coming to the throne?
Answer: He sat down.
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Serious Articles Related to the Topic of This Page
Sorry to interrupt the humour with a sudden and dramatic change of mood, a bit like the way the news, laden from beginning to end with doom and gloom, will rudely interrupt a jolly radio show every hour on the hour, ruining the best efforts of the presenters to lift the mood of the listeners.
Still, at least you have the option of not following these links if you'd rather not. And they're not all doom and gloom; unlike the news, which can merely drag a person's mood down after abruptly invading their consciousness, since it seems designed to highlight the worst things going on that can be dug up just for the sake of it, these articles do focus on how things can be improved, since they're aimed at helping people overcome problems.
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled jokes page content if you'd prefer.
I'm not aware that any of these jokes has a copyright on it, but if someone can prove to me that any of them do, I'll remove them from this website.