- In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
- On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy
- In front of a church:
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
- In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
- On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
- In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
- In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
- In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
- On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
- In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
- In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
- In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
- In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
- On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
- In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
- In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
- In the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
- A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
- Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants, please stay in your car.
- Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
- Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
- On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
- On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
- At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
- On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!
- Seen on a garbage truck:
Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back!
- On a church door:
This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
- Sign warning of quicksand:
Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.
- In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke- la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko- le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
Other Humour Sections On This Site
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The jokes and quotes on these pages have been collected from around the Internet.
I'm not sure who brought them to the public's attention in the first place.