During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them."
Patient: Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried! I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.
Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: No - only pink striped crocodiles!
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game. The referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
A person walked into a bookstore and asked the salesperson for a book that was made into a musical, which is still running. "Do you have Less Miserable?"
The salesperson replied, "Look in the psychology section."
An engineer and a psychiatrist meet up for their 20th college reunion.
The engineer says, "I'm surprised to see you still looking so young. I'd have thought listening to people's problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles."
The psychiatrist says, "You think we listen?"
A man goes to the doctor. He says he's depressed. He says life seems harsh and cruel. He says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
The doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.
The man bursts into tears: "But doctor . . . I am Terrifini."
A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him. "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!"
The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was re-seated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, "I heard you died. "
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the ex-patient.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "I was told you'd died by a colleague who's had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion's bound to be much more reliable than yours."
FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. (verified true by Snopes)
The following telephone conversation took place:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.
He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
A woman when to see a psychotherapist and said she was troubled by having no friends.
The therapist asked, "What do you think might be causing the problem?"
The woman said, "That's what I'm paying you to tell me, of course! What, are you lazy and want me to do your job for you? If I knew already, I wouldn't be here, would I, you fat ugly twwit!"
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"And, What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
Serious Articles Related to the Topic of This Page
Sorry to interrupt the humour with a sudden and dramatic change of mood, a bit like the way the news, laden from beginning to end with doom and gloom, will rudely interrupt a jolly radio show every hour on the hour, ruining the best efforts of the presenters to lift the mood of the listeners.
Still, at least you have the option of not following these links if you'd rather not. And they're not all doom and gloom; unlike the news, which can merely drag a person's mood down after abruptly invading their consciousness, since it seems designed to highlight the worst things going on that can be dug up just for the sake of it, these articles do focus on how things can be improved, since they're aimed at helping people overcome problems.
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled jokes page content if you'd prefer.
I'm not aware that any of these jokes has a copyright on it, but if someone can prove to me that any of them do, I'll remove them from this website.