Christmas Day is the day evolutionists all over the world celebrate the day Jesus evolved.
In Jesus' lifetime, evolutionists from all over Israel and beyond flocked to see him, because they thought he was an impressive example of the way humans might evolve in the future. They marvelled at him, and were full of hope for humanity, filled with joy that their descendants might one day evolve to be able to do all the miracles Jesus could do. Some at first thought he was a con-man, and were alarmed that humanity might evolve to all be con-people instead. But they were convinced he was a genuine specimen of advanced evolution by the number of people who said he'd helped them. So they came to adore him.
But sadly, some men who weren't as evolutionarily advanced as Jesus killed him, because evolution hadn't yet eradicated their violence genes. All his evolutionist fans went into mourning.
But then, just three days later, he committed the spectacularly evolutionarily advanced feat of rising from the dead!
Evolutionists thought a fraud must have been committed at first; but then Jesus appeared to them in person, so they all believed.
They were even more impressed with Jesus than they had been before, and celebrated his resurrection as a great feat of evolution and a wondrous example of the way humanity might evolve in the future. They rejoiced to think their descendants might all evolve to be able to rise from death.
Even to this day, they celebrate Easter as a great day of rejoicing, the greatest evolutionist festival of the year, the commemoration of the greatest evolutionary marvel in history. They give each other Easter eggs, to symbolise how Jesus proved that evolution could one day be so advanced that humans could evolve to break out of tombs as easily as if they were eggs, just as Jesus did.
And on Christmas Day, they all celebrate the time when Jesus first evolved, and give each other presents in commemoration, and as a celebration of evolution evolving people enough to want to give presents. They have parties and sing Christmas carols about the wonders of evolution and the greatness of Jesus. They put Christmas trees in their houses to celebrate the wonders of phylogenetic trees, and send each other Christmas cards with pictures of evolutionarily advanced specimens on them, to remind each other of and celebrate the best evolution has to offer.
I've just been reading that ghastly tabloid paper the Evolution Star. It tells an interesting story about Charles Darwin:
One Valentine's Day, his wife gave him a card and a kiss and a hug, and suggested they go out to a fancy restaurant.
"Ah, here we see evolution in motion! Romance and love are evolution's way of cementing pair bonds so children will grow up in a secure environment and thus be more likely to survive to perpetuate the species. I do find evolution fascinating! I'm going out to my greenhouse now to look at some marvellous new plant specimens that show traces of evolution from far back in history!"
With that, he walked out the door, saying, "Call me when it's dinner time".
His wife was a little annoyed by this. She decided not to cook him any dinner. When he finally came in, he went into the kitchen and found a note where his dinner plate would normally be that said,
"Going hungry at dinner time can be evolution's wondrous way of ensuring that men like you do what evolution programmed them to do - i.e. cementing family bonds by being loving to their wives."
Textbooks everywhere will have to be rewritten. That's according to the tabloid paper the News of the Evolution World I can't seem to stop reading.
It says scientists long struggled to invent elaborate theories as to how bats, flies, blades of grass etc. could have evolved into mankind, till eventually they thought they had the solution. But now, they've realised that something totally different happened.
It says that instead of mankind evolving little by little from trees, dandelions etc., scientists have realised that what happened was that little bits of humans evolved at a time, and gradually got to be whole humans. It says this is what scientists say now in the most reputable journals:
Originally, single toes hopped around the earth. They had little heads on top with very primitive brains in them that just programmed instincts into them like hopping around, huddling in little groups communicating grunts in toe-sign language, and so on.
At around the same time, single fingers could be seen hopping around. They too had tiny brains on top.
Then tiny little legs evolved, so the fingers and toes could walk around on them instead of hopping.
Then other body parts evolved.
Noses on little legs could be seen running around.
A few of the fingers and toes in the little groups of fingers and toes that had used to huddle together and chat in primitive finger and toe language started evolving hands and feet. Soon, some of the other fingers and toes in each group got joined to the ends of the hands and feet, so hands and feet had several fingers and toes on them rather than just one each as they'd had at first, and they started walking around.
The tiny heads began to evolve faces.
So soon, arms and legs with little heads on and big eyes and ears walked the land.
It wasn't just external body parts that walked around, but internal organs.
Livers on little legs could be seen hobbling around.
Single long veins pulled themselves along the sun-scorched landscape like snakes.
Kidneys hopped about.
All these things grew more body parts.
Soon, stomachs on legs could be seen wandering about.
Hearts with arms began to appear.
Lungs with mouths and digestive systems attached pulled themselves along the ground.
All these things evolved to form the kinds of humans we know today.
In the good old days, evolution did whatever it liked whenever it pleased. Animals developed new characteristics and everyone thought it was a sign of progress.
Now, however, the development of new characteristics is seen as abnormal, and actively inhibited with drugs or advice on how to stop it.
Take insomnia, for instance. Doctors fail to look into the possibility that this can sometimes be a new evolutionary advance, giving people powers of staying awake beyond normal human endurance. If selected for in the future, imagine all the new things humans could do if they don't need sleep any more.
It seems some people don't need sleep already. But if a doctor gets to hear about their new evolutionary advantage, they will behave as if they're creationists who deny evolution, giving the person drugs to combat what they see as a disadvantage. Thus, they stop evolution in its tracks!
I've been reading that awful tabloid rag I just can't resist reading, the News of the Evolution World again. Here's the latest:
Scientists have discovered a dramatic new evolutionary advance that might sweep the world in our lifetime!
Comments have often been made that the reason society has an obesity problem is because only recently have our diets become full of sugar and fat, and evolution hasn't yet had time to adapt the body to cope.
Well, now it's doing just that.
Evolution has developed a mechanism that makes people exercise whether they want to or not. Some fat people living sedentary lifestyles have discovered that at regular intervals, they've started jumping up and running around, waving their arms in the air and doing wild energetic dances or other vigorous exercise. They can't help any of it. It doesn't matter what they're doing at the time. Evolution will set their body clock, so at a certain time of day, say 4:00 in the afternoon, they'll jump up and start running around.
Some have been seen sprinting at top speed down the road. One was passing a sports centre at the time, and he hurtled through the door, ran straight past the changing rooms and dived fully-clothed into the swimming pool and started energetically swimming lengths.
The first-known person to be afflicted/blessed with the new evolutionary advance was a businessman. In the middle of a meeting where he hoped to persuade another firm to buy his company's products, he suddenly got up and started jumping up and down. He cavorted around the room, climbing onto desks and leaping from one to another.
He was taken away and driven to a psychiatric hospital, where he was given a large dose of tranquillisers. They thought he perhaps had a severe case of ADHD or some other mental problem. They experimented with lowering the dose of tranquillisers, but the next day at the same time, he jumped up and blundered around the ward, giving the impression he'd be sprinting around the place if only he was off the medication altogether.
So his medication dose was raised again, and instead of being a productive member of society, he became a semi-zombified blob at the tax-payers' expense.
This happened to a few more people. The authorities didn't realise they were stifling an exciting evolutionary coping mechanism that was going to cure obesity.
But then, fat psychiatrists and psychologists started going down with the problem. It just wouldn't do for them to be dismissed from their jobs and sentenced to semi-zombification in one of the hospitals they themselves were in charge of, so research was done into the causes of the problem.
A new genetic mutation has now been discovered. Scientists are calling it the jumping gene.
Employers are being asked to make allowances for the time people spend doing involuntary exercise at work.
The fat psychologists and psychiatrists who first developed the evolutionary advance have all on average lost two stone in weight so far.
Evolution could do this to every fat non-exercising person in the country eventually.
So it seems evolution has saved the day!
In startling new research, scientists have discovered that the evolution theory that so many believe in is completely back-to-front. Darwin intended it to say the opposite of what it does. He actually meant the theory to be that mankind gets less sophisticated as the years go by, not more.
Historical documents have been unearthed that haven't been seen for over 100 years. They tell the story of how Darwin developed his theory of evolution after he somehow gained access to a time machine and went forward in time to 2010. At first, he marvelled at all the new technology around him. But then he discovered ... Internet forums. He looked at many of the messages, and discovered some to be boorish and virtually mindless, so different from the conversations he was used to having in the cloistered confines of Cambridge university where he was surrounded by intellectuals. He came to the conclusion that mankind was degenerating. He further became convinced that man wasn't the creature he used to be when he read lots of posts claiming the people who wrote them were descended from apes. He thought that must explain why their messages weren't that good; he thought they must be lesser life forms than apes, although still, fantastically, able to type somehow.
He went back in his time machine to his era, and drew the conclusion that mankind was going to turn into apes in the near future.
He wrote a book called The Descent of Man about a theory he had that man would degenerate to apes, and then on to lesser things till they lost more and more abilities and became less and less sophisticated creatures, till the earth was populated by no more than single-celled organisms, and then even they, too, would cease to be.
He sent his manuscript off to the publisher. Unfortunately, all the pages were loose and unnumbered. Someone at the publisher's dropped the manuscript on the floor, and all the pages got muddled up.
The publisher tried to put all the pages together as best he could, but it turns out he put the whole manuscript together upside-down, so it said the exact opposite of what Darwin had intended it to say.
The publisher was impressed with the upside-down theory, not realising it was the wrong way around. So he published it.
So to this day, the theory of evolution is taught backwards.
Today, we're still feeling the effects of the reactions our ancestors had to things millions of years ago, by reacting in the same way as them, simply because they reacted that way. At least, that's what evolutionary psychologists believe.
A common example is the way someone gets annoyed when someone else calls them a moron. The word moron was used millions of years ago by scientists to refer to the less-evolved members of a species. Thus, when some members of a species were evolving into humans, the ones who'd made less progress and were still semi-ape were called morons.
Therefore, the term moron became used as an insult. Both the more and the less evolved beings felt insulted by it, because it was used to suggest inferiority.
Being offended by the insult had an evolutionary advantage, since those who weren't offended were those who were happy to stay in their less evolved state and less competitive, so they didn't evolve.
Natural selection meant the ones who were offended got to evolve, since they were the same ones who were more competitive and thus more likely to fight for survival. So the trait of being offended by the word moron became evolutionarily programmed into people in general.
So when you next get offended by it, you'll know why.
Evolutionary psychologists also teach that the reason so many people are scared of spiders and snakes is that when our ape-ancestors were swinging from the trees, spiders and snakes were the only things that could harm them. I'm not sure why they were the only things that could, but that's what evolutionary psychologists teach anyway. So natural selection programmed the fear of spiders and snakes into our ancestors as a protective mechanism, to speed up their responses in getting away. And that's why people are still scared of them today.
Unfortunately, this obviously means that in a million years' time, most people are going to be scared of the things that could harm us today.
Thus, for instance, a lot of people are going to be scared of driving cars because today some have accidents, even though in a million years' time, cars will have become accident-proof.
People will be scared of going to the dentist, even though medical technology will have advanced so much as to make trips to the dentist a thing of the past, and dentists will be the name given to people who fix dents in cars. That won't be done by general mechanics any more, since cars will be so well-made that dents from the accidents cars were supposedly accident-proof from will be the only thing that ever goes wrong with them. They'll be mended by people called dentists and people will be scared of opening their mouths near them.
Strangely though, for some reason, the theory about how people being scared of certain things gave them an evolutionary survival advantage doesn't hold true for wars. Even though a lot more harm could be done by intra-species feuds than could be done by spiders and snakes, the evolving species never became scared of going to war. This means that it's possible that everyone on earth will be boldly wiped out before the million years is up, so evolutionary psychologists will never get to find out whether their confident predictions about people being generally scared of cars and their mechanics are true.
A man went for therapy for a phobia of spiders. The therapist wasn't very helpful; he said he was an evolutionary psychologist who believed fears of spiders came about because millions of years ago, monkeys were scared of them and the fear was passed down the generations. He said that since the man's fear originated millions of years ago, all psychologists who could get to the root of his problem and thus cure it for him were long, long dead. So he said the man would have to put up with it.
I suggested to the man that he go to a therapist who believed in intelligent design instead. But he said he was scared the psychologist would say spiders were God's creation so how dare he be scared of something created by God.
I tried to reassure him by pointing out that creationism teaches that lions are created by God, but no one in their right mind would suggest people shouldn't be scared of those.
The man went to a creationist psychologist. He was a bit scared to say what his problem was straightaway, so he shyly asked,
"If I tell you I'm scared of lions, will you say there's anything wrong with that?"
The psychologist assumed the man must be so scared of lions it was badly affecting his life. So he said,
"There are ways I could help you over a fear of lions. For instance, we could go to the zoo, and you can get gradually closer to a lion till you can tolerate being just on the other side of its cage and you're not scared."
The man remembered what I'd said about how no one in their right mind would suggest people shouldn't be scared of lions. He came home, and said,
"Creationists are crazy!"
I heard a piece of music dated from around 200027360 BC today. At least, I feel sure it dates back to around then, because it was that vile, primitive "music" known as rap music. Rap music is such an unmelodic form of music that it surely has to be the very first step on the evolutionary music ladder. Thus, it stands to reason that it came out of the primordial swamps, one of the very first stages of life on earth.
Using this impeccable logic, there's a lot scientists and historians can deduce.
One thing that will cause many science books to be rewritten is that since this rap music is spoken with a voice that sounds very much like a human one, the very first thing to emerge from the primordial sludge can't possibly have been a simple single-celled organism. Whatever it was that made the rap music would have to have had ready-made vocal cords.
Another important finding is one that will lead to many history books having to be rewritten. The rap "music" was spoken in a language that sounded very similar to English, and may well have been just a more ancient form of it. So it's safe to conclude that English is in fact several million years old, and was in fact being spoken by the first organisms as they crawled out of the primordial bog.
Interestingly, the rap music was being played on some kind of CD player/record playing device. And the voice was being accompanied by one or two musical instruments. That's sure scientific proof that recording equipment and musical instruments were being pulled out of the primordial sludge by the rap artists all those years ago as they spoke their rap songs.
Interestingly enough, several of these "rap artists", as they're called, are spoken of as if they're still alive. If so, then old accounts of people living till they were hundreds of years old were not only true, but those people were young when they died. These rap artists are obviously Millions of years old! They must have witnessed evolution as it progressed right from the beginning, and could tell scientists a lot about it.
It's easy to tell rap "music" is the very first step on the evolutionary music ladder and so must be millions of years old, because you can hear music at different stages of evolution. Mozart and Beethoven, for example, were obviously about halfway between rap music and some of the melodic dance and soul music we have now, which obviously represents the current summit of the evolutionary ladder.
Interestingly, there was a song by the Pussycat Dolls, which was mainly fairly evolutionarily advanced music, (multi-part harmony, a fairly sophisticated melody etc), but contained a bit of rap. This clearly dates it as being many hundreds of years old, when evolution was moving forward, but the primordial phases hadn't quite been left behind. It's interesting that the Pussycat Dolls were still making music even into the 21st century, so they, too, must be hundreds of years old.
Historians should be especially interested in artists who make music like that. For all we know, they might be able to give them first-hand accounts of historic events, such as the settling of America, the conquest of the wild west, the Napoleonic wars, and who knows what else!
I've found out that scientists base the theory of evolution on a strange phenomenon they've discovered!
They found out that the length of a person's first name correlates perfectly to how many intelligence genes they have. They realised that as animal life became more sophisticated, animals would start speaking using longer words. The more syllables in their words, the more evolutionarily developed they were. Then scientists discovered that a similar thing holds true for people's names: that the length of a person's name is a perfect predictor of how intelligent they'll be. They studied 4693260 Elizabeths, and 4693260 Johns, and found out that in every single case, just as the name Elizabeth has four times the syllables of the name John, all the Elizabeths were precisely four times more intelligent than all the Johns.
This is according to the tabloid paper with the most exciting evolution news around, the National Evolution Inquirer. So of course it must be true.
Scientists then compared the Elizabeths to Michaels, and discovered that in every single case, the Elizabeths were twice as intelligent as the Michaels.
Then they examined the DNA of the people being studied, and discovered that all the Elizabeths had four times the intelligence genes of the Johns, and twice those of the Michaels, which proved they were twice as evolved.
The National Evolution Inquirer says these findings are in the most up-to-date reputable peer-reviewed scientific journals, and are the whole basis of evolutionary thinking now. Any other scientific-sounding stuff people use to explain why they believe in evolution is just peripheral observation, used merely as supporting evidence for the central findings about name length.
The journals say that scientists discovered an even more interesting thing! They found that anyone who shortened their name lost some of their intelligence DNA. For instance, they studied several Michaels who later shortened their names to Mike, and discovered that as soon as they shortened their names, half their intelligence DNA evaporated. Unfortunately, it didn't come back again if they developed a preference for being called Michael again. However, it has been found that if people who shortened their names lengthen them again by twelve times or more, their intelligence DNA will grow back to how it was before.
This means, for example, that someone called Michael who lost half his intelligence genes overnight when he decided he'd rather be called Mike, can regain them if he changes his name to one of twelve syllables or more.
Scientists report that Mikes have been known to do this by, for instance, changing their names to incorporate those of famous people, or even objects, like food and things. In the top scientific journal Evolution Today, they give examples of Mikes who've instantly become more evolved when they've changed their names to things like:
As you can tell, some Mikes decided to take on names of more than twelve syllables just to be sure it would work.
So, all you people with names you shortened to one syllable, if you do likewise by lengthening your names to ones of twelve or more syllables, and always use them and insist on being called them - a very important condition, the top evolutionary biologists guarantee you will regain all the intelligence you had at birth. ... Well, that's according to that juicy tabloid the National Evolution Inquirer, and I don't see what reason there is to doubt it.
Easter is the time when evolutionists everywhere will celebrate the great resurrection story according to the Gospel of Evolution.
Scholars say that all religions have their resurrection myths, just like evolution. In several ancient Near Eastern cultures, for example, people believed that as the autumn drew in and flowers died and leaves fell from the trees and so on, the Great God Baal was dying, being taken down into the underworld. In the spring, when everything sprang back into life, they believed the God Baal was resurrected.
Similarly, the scholars claim Christianity has a resurrection myth where Christ died and rose again in the spring, only he did both then, instead of being symmetrical like the other religions and dying as the vegetation died in the autumn and rising in the spring.
They claim several religions similarly have resurrection myths.
They cite evolution as a prime modern example. In evolution, its followers proclaim that when a species can no longer survive in a biological niche it used to occupy, it goes extinct. But at the same time, it adapts to occupy a new more advanced niche. So it then resurrects in a new and better form.
This great cycle of extinction and new life is what's celebrated by evolutionists every Easter.
Its followers claim it's the best religion of all, because it teaches that it isn't just the same thing resurrecting every time, but every time there's an evolutionary resurrection, life gets more sophisticated. Scholars claim there are similarities with Christianity where Christ is recorded as having even greater powers after his resurrection than before, such as being able to vanish and appear in another place. But evolutionists claim that unlike Christ who didn't stay around long, the resurrections in evolution can last hundreds of thousands of years, and they'll likely be replaced by even more sophisticated ones when the cycle of evolutionary extinction and resurrection happens again.
So evolutionists think evolution is the best religion, and tend to scorn other religions and their resurrection stories. In fact, they believe Evolutionism is true and all other religions are false.
But we can still wish them a happy Easter each year as they celebrate their own resurrection story.