Funny Quotes

Amusing Quotes Attributed to Famous People

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense. Benjamin Disraeli

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. Benjamin Franklin

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. Albert Einstein

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. Abraham Lincoln

(Asked shortly before a tour to Vietnam if he was worth 50 million dollars) If I had $50 million, I wouldn't go to Vietnam; I'd send for it. Bob Hope

A letter is an unannounced visit, the postman the agent of rude surprises. One ought to reserve an hour a week for receiving letters and afterwards take a bath. Friedrich Nietzsche

A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. G. K. Chesterton

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended. George Bernard Shaw

My reputation grows with every failure. George Bernard Shaw

An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. Napoleon Bonaparte

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde

There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten. Samuel Johnson

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. Voltaire

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W. C. Fields

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. Winston Churchill

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up. Somerset Maugham

I seldom think of politics more than 18 hours a day. Lyndon Johnson

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin

I've had a wonderful evening, ... but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. Albert Einstein

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. James M. Barrie

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. Robert Orben

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. Robert Benchley

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company. Charles Evans Hughes

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong. Geoff Arbuthnot

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. Partick Moore

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

Quotations from Aussie flight engineers reports (Dare you fly Quantas???)

(I believe this has been going around the online community for some time):

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Other Humour Sections On This Site

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The jokes and quotes on these pages have been collected from around the Internet.
I'm not sure who brought them to the public's attention in the first place.