Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Suzie: Don't bite any!
Man: My doctor has advised me to give up golf.
Friend: Why? Did he examine your heart?
Man: No, he had a look at my score card.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.
'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'
When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'
'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'
A plumber attended to a leaking tap at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"
An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where consultant Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.
If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.
On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.
Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'
A GP bought a new fridge for his home. To get rid of the old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home. You want it ….. you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this ‘looks too good to be true’ deal, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.
'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.
'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately no cases have been reported thus far.
Patient: Doctor, when I press my leg it hurts. Then when I press my chest it hurts, when I press my head it hurts, and when I press my stomach it hurts. I'm worried doc, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: Easy; straightforward, you have a sore finger!
A woman had just finished a first-aid course and was eager to try out her skills.
Coming out of a shop one day, she saw a crowd gathered round a man on the ground. She rushed over, got down and began to take his pulse.
Just then, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, madam, do you realise I'm trying to arrest this man?"
Doctor Khan was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at the city hospital.
Pointing to the x-ray, he explained: "As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched."
The doctor looked up at the assembled students, and asked Sidney "Now what would you do in a case like this?"
Sidney piped up: "I suppose I would limp too."
Adam, an elderly man, was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.
After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'
Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'
A GP was speeding to a house call, so was not surprised when a state trooper pulled her over. Hoping to get off with a warning, she appeared shocked when he walked up to the car and planned to tell him the circumstances of her speeding.
"I have never been stopped like this before in over 30 years of driving," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
Serious Articles Related to the Topic of This Page
Sorry to interrupt the humour with a sudden and dramatic change of mood, a bit like the way the news, laden from beginning to end with doom and gloom, will rudely interrupt a jolly radio show every hour on the hour, ruining the best efforts of the presenters to lift the mood of the listeners.
Still, at least you have the option of not following these links if you'd rather not. And they're not all doom and gloom; unlike the news, which can merely drag a person's mood down after abruptly invading their consciousness, since it seems designed to highlight the worst things going on that can be dug up just for the sake of it, these articles do focus on how things can be improved, since they're aimed at helping people overcome problems.
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled jokes page content if you'd prefer.
I'm not aware that any of these jokes has a copyright on it, but if someone can prove to me that any of them do, I'll remove them from this website.