A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight; the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, Patrick, crashed through the front door at 3 AM waking her up.
He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.
'What are you doing?' Mary shouted.
Patrick replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.'
'Leave it down there, Patrick', Mary bellowed.
'I can't, 'Patrick replied, 'I've drunk it.'
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, 'Can I have a pint of Less, please?'
'I'm sorry sir, 'the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, 'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'
'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'
A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk slumped in the doorway of an apartment block. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him.
But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried, "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded Yes; "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
The Doctor, looking somewhat puzzled, Says:
"From hunger you mean?"
"No, from Skipping."
The loud-mouthed tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to instil good table manners in her girls?
She told them that a well brought-up girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.
Boy in the baker's shop: Have you got any broken biscuits?
Baker: Yes, I have.
Boy: Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!
Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again?
That's funny, Mom. I can't remember either.
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake.
Joe: It's a bit tough.
Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the chemist this morning.
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch today.
Cook: There is.
Fred: No, there isn't. There's only cheese pie.
Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?
Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg?
First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream covered with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.
'Would you like a cherry on the top?' asked the waitress.
'No, thanks,' said the girl, 'I'm on a diet!'
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice?
Why? Do I look like one?
Question: What is red, full of seeds and looks like half of a tomato?
Answer: The other half of the tomato.
When cooking I'm over-reliant upon timing the cooking via the smoke detector alarm.
If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try Normal K.
Beer doesn't make you look fat. It makes you lean. Lean against tables, bars, walls.
I am having a Shepherd's pie for lunch; he's really not happy about it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
The good news is that I lost 30 pounds on this all-popcorn diet. The bad news is that I spent $8,000 going to the movies.
Serious Articles Related to the Topic of This Page
Sorry to interrupt the humour with a sudden and dramatic change of mood, a bit like the way the news, laden from beginning to end with doom and gloom, will rudely interrupt a jolly radio show every hour on the hour, ruining the best efforts of the presenters to lift the mood of the listeners.
Still, at least you have the option of not following these links if you'd rather not. And they're not all doom and gloom; unlike the news, which can merely drag a person's mood down after abruptly invading their consciousness, since it seems designed to highlight the worst things going on that can be dug up just for the sake of it, these articles do focus on how things can be improved, since they're aimed at helping people overcome problems.
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled jokes page content if you'd prefer.
I'm not aware that any of these jokes has a copyright on it, but if someone can prove to me that any of them do, I'll remove them from this website.