What The Bible And A Psychology Book Say About Disciplining Children
What The Bible And A Psychology Book Say About Disciplining Children |
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Proverbs chapter 23 (TEV)
13 Don't hesitate to discipline children. A good spanking won't kill them. 14 As a matter of fact, it may save their lives.
Proverbs chapter 22 (NLT)
15 A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away.
"In the course of my own work I was frequently asked to help parents faced with regular and increasing tantrums by three-and-four-year-olds. It almost always became apparent that these infant terrorists had learned that they could manipulate their parents into submission by throwing a tantrum whenever their wishes were frustrated; They would throw themselves on the floor and yell and shout until the mothers gave way; they would bite other children who were playing with toys they wanted, and would throw food, plates and cutlery if the meal did not suit them.
My role was to explain to and to teach the exhausted parents how to resist such relentless exploitation, and ... to support them in practising some control of their child.
The parents would be asked to keep a daily record of the frequency of the particular behaviour complained of, and the settings in which it occurred; ... Thus between my first and second visits, the parents typically recorded up to seven or eight tantrums daily.
My job then was to show them how to penalize, rather than reward, such behaviour. In simple terms I asked them to show their anger with the child for this behaviour both verbally and non-verbally by saying "No!" to him in a sharp tone and with a fierce expression, and to do this consistently on each occasion that he threw a tantrum.
If he still persisted, I encouraged them to make sure that he gained no reward from such behaviour, either in material or social terms; in other words he should briefly be isolated in a separate room, such as a bedroom or bathroom, to complete his tantrum. At the same time I encouraged the parents to give much praise for the opposite and acceptable behaviours.
... it was possible to help a considerable number of families in this way. The record of tantrums per day showed a steep decline.
The principle to bear in mind when trying to manage a difficult child is that it is the Desirable behaviour which should receive recognition and attention."
Proverbs chapter 29 (TEV)
17 Discipline your children and you can always be proud of them. They will never give you reason to be ashamed.
Proverbs chapter 19 (TEV)
18 Discipline your children while they are young enough to learn. If you don't, you are helping them destroy themselves.
"a clear signal that certain activities are unacceptable should be consistently sent, as by the parent to the small child who bites others. He or she needs to be watched closely in playgroup or at home for a few days so that on every occasion when he approaches another child with the apparent intent of biting, the parent can offer continuous and consistent restraint and say, "No! You must not do that: That hurts people."
If such restraining statements are accompanied by clear non-verbal indications of the mother's mood - sharp voice, frowning face and flashing eyes, the incidence of biting is likely to drop sharply.
Awareness of these principles is now being taught to many student teachers, so that they may be conscious of what types of behaviour they are reinforcing in the classroom, for here too these principles are central. A teacher may for instance complain that a certain boy is uncontrollable, when in fact the teacher may well have been treating him with extreme inconsistency, rounding on him fiercely at one moment and then allowing his amusement to show the next. Such a boy is being offered the exact conditions required for maintaining an item of behaviour in existence: ..."
Proverbs chapter 13 (TEV)
24 If you don't punish your children, you don't love them. If you do love them, you will correct them.
"If behaviour by an individual is followed quickly in time (for this has also been found to be very important) by a happening which is agreeable to that individual, it is likely to be repeated; if it is followed by a happening which is disagreeable to that individual, it is not likely to be repeated.
Thus, if Susy is shopping with her mum in the supermarket and, seeing a toffee bar which she wants, sets up a yell, her mother can silence her either by giving in immediately or after much to-do (in which case Susy has learned to go on shouting whenever she wants anything); or she can clearly and consistently say "No", and march straight past the sweets (in which case Susy has learned that shouting achieves nothing)."
Proverbs chapter 29 (TEV)
15 Correction and discipline are good for children. If they have their own way, they will make their mothers ashamed of them.
"(He was) a small boy who came to the notice of health visitors in the area and with whom our department worked closely. This boy, aged nearly four, had always been lively but since the birth of his younger brother he had become increasingly difficult to manage. At first this had been confined to the home, where he would irritate the little brother unceasingly, but latterly he had begun to prove unmanageable outside the home also. He would bite other children, pull their hair, take toys from them and hit them to such an extent that the playgroup leaders found him a threat to other children and were asking that he should not be brought to the group.
It was this last event which proved the final straw to a harassed and over-worked mother; if Richard was able to go to playgroup each morning she could cope with the baby, the washing and the house, but the prospect of having him at home all day every day, particularly when it was not possible to leave the baby and him together in the same room, made her feel completely unable to cope. It was at this point that the health visitor called upon our department.
The first thing to be done was, of course, to help this mother get off her chest her distress and unhappiness about Richard. She was angry with him, frightened by his behaviour, embarrassed by the way in which other mothers would not allow him to come to their house to play, and aware of neighbourhood attitudes towards the family as a result of his behaviour.
Her husband was equally upset, for he had backed up his wife in her efforts to manage their wild little boy, but felt that things were deteriorating rather than improving. Both parents were sensible, concerned people, and although I took a social history as our department required I neither expected nor found anything remarkable about either the family or Richard. "He has always been a handful, ever since he was born", said his mother, "but things are getting much worse."
It was not difficult for me to sympathize with Richard's parents. I, too, had found it extremely difficult to manage two small children, one of whom did not welcome the arrival of the other, and I recalled also the relief I experienced as in due course they grew old enough to go to playgroup for a few hours each morning.
In due course we reached the end of the usefulness of exploring feelings, for Richard's mother, though easier in herself through finding her emotions understandable and acceptable to me, was still having problems in managing him. I therefore asked her to pinpoint which were the items of Richard's behaviour which caused her and her husband most anger and trouble. She selected three:
Of these three, the one which naturally concerned the parents most was the attacks Richard made on the baby, since these were genuinely dangerous and caused the mother great anxiety. The next most irritating was his behaviour at mealtimes and the third was his coming downstairs after being put to bed. We therefore addressed the problems in that order.
It was important to gain a record of these behaviours against which to measure future progress. I therefore asked them to keep a note during the next week of the number of instances each day of the three key or target behaviours on which we had agreed to focus.
Richard's parents were understandably disappointed at not being given some immediate guidance about "What to do about Richard", but inasmuch as they had gained a good deal of relief merely by unburdening their feelings towards him, and since I explained my reasons for asking for the records to be kept, they were willing to comply. We agreed that three separate sheets, one for each target behaviour, should be used, and that the number of instances of each behaviour day by day should be recorded in the form of a simple bar chart.
When I went a week later the charts were ready, and we began to talk of how Richard's parents could begin to cope with the most urgent problem: Richard's behaviour towards his baby brother.
"I asked Richard's mother to bear in mind several principles ..:
When I called a week later, Richard's mother reported a great change in Richard's behaviour towards the baby. She reported that the first three days after my first visit had been exceptionally difficult, because she had tried to be on hand most of the time when the two children had to be together, and in addition to using the verbal reprimand of "No!", and the angry expression, she had had to exclude Richard five times on the first day and four on the second.
Richard, for his part, had apparently hated being put outside the living room into a cold passage and being prevented from joining the family again until the timer rang at the end of the five minutes. On the very first occasion he had laughed defiantly and turned the lights on and off persistently but subsequently he had cried and begged not to be put outside.
His parents, mindful of my injunction to be consistent, had persisted and on any occasion when Richard made the baby cry he was excluded. The chart showed a drop from four or five instances daily to only one in the two days prior to my visit.
The speed of the effectiveness of this measure had astonished his parents, but I was able to assure them that this was characteristic of the way in which consistent application of these principles often worked - though it frequently does take rather longer. This change was maintained.
Richard's parents had also played their part in praising him for any kindness shown to the baby, and had involved the grandparents in the scheme. They felt Richard was still jealous of the baby, so his mother tactfully did as much of the feeding and tending as she could when Richard was out of the way, but she managed to involve him in mixing cereal and trying to feed the baby - for which she had praised him and had him "show nana how helpful he was being." Nana had played her part warmly, and Richard, from being much disapproved of, was now, on occasion, the centre of attention for helping with the baby.
The management of the little boy, having proved useful, I recommended that ... in addition we could turn our attention to the second main source of difficulty - Richard's eating habits. Meal-times were a constant source of tension within the household, as Richard managed to dominate these by demanding to be fed, asking for special dishes, throwing unwanted food about and deliberately eating slowly. The recommendations I made may sound completely obvious, ... yet many people are ... unable to draw on what to many parents is intuitive knowledge.
With my support, Richard's mother could see the simplicity and obviousness of these ideas; she really only needed the reassurance that Richard was not going to become under-nourished if she did not give way to his demands, and the confidence to try out the ideas.
Her husband and the grandparents supported her wholeheartedly and, as the chart showed, these principles were effective: A week later Richard's eating habits had improved to the point where he was eating well and regularly with the family, one eye on his mother's hand.
The next week I called I heard that Richard had had to be excluded only once at the beginning of the preceding week and once at the end, and I encouraged his parents to continue to be firm and consistent with him and not to "soften up".
Meal-times were now agreeable for everybody, though Richard had lost his dinner on two occasions. The morale of both parents was high, however, and it therefore seemed appropriate to turn our attention to Richard's refusing to settle to sleep and disturbing his parents by repeatedly coming downstairs and calling out.
By now the parents were perceiving the straightforward quality of the principles I was suggesting, and they themselves were able to see what had been going wrong.
In effect they had been rewarding Richard's habit of coming downstairs by attending to him sometimes: In other words by giving him occasional attention on some evenings, but sending him straight back upstairs on others they had been maintaining in existence the very behaviour they had been intending to stop, i.e. they had been giving him intermittent reward.
What they saw they now had to do was to provide him with consistent penalizing responses: Every single time he came downstairs looking for attention, he was instead to be angrily received and sent straight back to bed. The same practice was to be followed if he disturbed his parents for no good reason in the middle of the night: He should not be taken into their bed, as had been their practice, but should be led firmly back to bed.
Richard responded to these management techniques as expected: The chart showed his trips downstairs in the evening lasted only two nights, and his calling out for attention at 2 a.m. lasted another two. After that his parents reported no further sleeping problems. Since the parents now understood the principles I was employing they were soon able to use them themselves.
When I made a follow-up visit some weeks later things were progressing smoothly, and both parents felt they "now had a different child." They had discussed with the playgroup leaders the need for very firm handling whenever Richard became aggressive towards another child; the leaders had taken the point and responded immediately; if Richard hurt another child he had to sit alone on a special chair for five minutes and no one was to take the slightest notice of him however hard he sought attention. When he was considerate to another child, however, he was made much of and openly praised.
The playgroup leaders were no longer asking for Richard to be withdrawn from the group."
Proverbs chapter 22 (TEV)
6 Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life.
Colossians chapter 3 (TEV)
20 Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents always, for that is what pleases God. 21 Parents, do not irritate your children, or they will become discouraged.
"The management of difficult older children or of adolescents would require the adoption of rather different rewards and penalties. It is usually safe to assume that people respond to social approval and appreciation, but even that is not an infallible principle; it may depend on the role or perceived sincerity of the approver; as a rule of thumb though, people seem to be crying out for appreciation ...
Social workers often find themselves in situations where no individual and specific behaviour is complained of: There seems to be just a cycle of poor relationships with many general complaints from each member of the family about the other members. Typically, one youngster has been made the subject of a supervision order and his parents state that he is a "difficult boy" who is "in with a rough lot" and that they've "tried everything with him", to no effect. "everything" often seems to include sterner discipline, keeping the boy in, allowing no pocket-money and sometimes thrashing; in my experience it almost never includes praise or encouragement for areas in which the boy is pleasing or attempting to please his parents.
For example, when asked to visit one particular family where the youngster, Steve, aged eleven, was kicking over the traces, getting involved in petty theft and behaving objectionably at home, I found it necessary first to listen at some length to his parents' account of the boy's shortcomings in order to relieve some of the intense emotion and anxiety which these had caused. My sympathy for the family in such a case was always genuine; they had often been intensely provoked, let down and disappointed by their son or daughter, and it was vital to allow them to express these powerful feelings and for me to empathize with them. Even if it did appear that they were using Steve as a scapegoat, this diagnosis, while just possibly accurate, did not help them in managing relationships any better in the future.
What did prove helpful, when the ventilation of emotion was over, was to ask them what they liked about Steve;
At first they could think of nothing at all but gradually his mother remembered that he did occasionally give her a bit of help in the house. My role, then, was gently to teach these parents to comment appreciatively upon Steve's help whenever it occurred.
I found one suggestion given to me by Mrs Alice Sluckin of Leicester School Psychological Service and Child Guidance Clinic particularly effective: to teach parents the practice of keeping a daily diary of some aspect of their son's or daughter's behaviour or attitude which they had been able openly to commend.
Parents sometimes found the idea of using praise and encouragement as a means of coping with their children extremely difficult, sometimes because they had received so little encouragement themselves, and sometimes because they felt it was a form of bribery and that "Children ought to behave properly anyway." Often, however, they had tried other approaches without success, so in desperation and with my encouragement they were willing to try this approach. They were often surprised at its effectiveness.
In Steve's case, his mother first of all thanked him for giving a hand with the washing up,
the next day told him that he looked good in his new shirt;
on the third day Steve changed a plug, and his father told him he had made a good job of it;
on the fourth day Steve played in a football match and his father went to watch and cheer him on;
and on the fifth his mother was touched to find a birthday card and a box of chocolates awaiting her downstairs.
All these incidents were duly written down in the notebook I had left with them for the purpose, and when I called after a week it was very easy to reinforce with my own real pleasure this increase in considerate behaviour and kindness of each member of the family towards the other. Once "considerate behaviour" had become established, and things were going better in general (though I asked that the use of the notebook should be still continued), it became possible to talk of areas of specific difficulty which still persisted, but in a very much better atmosphere than formerly.
It was essential to help the parents to see the continuing need which we all have for recognition and appreciation and to support their efforts to go on giving it.
"It is often surprising how consistent and sincere encouragement will bring about positive change within families and within personal relationships."
Proverbs chapter 28 (NLT)
7 Young people who obey the law are wise; those who seek out worthless companions bring shame to their parents.
Proverbs chapter 13 (NLT)
1 A wise child accepts a parent's discipline; a young mocker refuses to listen.
Proverbs Chapter 27 (TEV)
17 People learn from one another, just as iron sharpens iron.
"Do as I say, and not as I do" is a wry recognition of the powerful influence set by such models as parents, teachers and youth leaders. If mother is untidy, her daughters are likely to be untidy also; if dad smokes and drinks heavily, why should not his sons? Swearing by children is not generally approved of in our culture, but not only do parents, while complaining of this, frequently provide a model of this behaviour for their children but they reinforce swearing in their toddlers by laughing delightedly when three year old starts "effing and blinding".
Therefore, questions which might be tactfully discussed between social worker and parents who are complaining of their child include: If he bawls, do the other members of the family bawl at each other; if so, is it surprising that he does? If he's cheeky and his parents think he "brings it home from school", do these same parents make clear that imitating such models at home is not acceptable, and demonstrate this attitude consistently? The consistent demonstration of the behaviour which parents wish children to imitate is a powerful inducement to that imitation."
Proverbs chapter 20 (TEV)
7 Children are fortunate if they have a father who is honest and does what is right.
Ephesians chapter 6 (NLT)
1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 "Honor your father and mother." This is the first of the Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. 3 And this is the promise: If you honor your father and mother, "you will live a long life, full of blessing." 4 And now a word to you fathers. Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.
By Dr. Kevin Leman, from his book First-Time Mom, published by Tyndale.
The extracts from the book "Psychology for Social Workers and Counsellors" by Carole Sutton have been used with the kind permission of the publisher Routledge. The book was published in 1983.
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